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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25625797">In The Mourning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixednuts/pseuds/mixednuts'>mixednuts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>My Chemical Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, M/M, mentions of depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:35:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,578</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25625797</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixednuts/pseuds/mixednuts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Iero is well, depressed to say the least. For years he's always depended on his boyfriend, Gerard. Frank knew Gerard would leave him one day but he never prepared himself for the inevitable. So when the inevitable does happen, he doesn't know how to react but that's okay, he doesn't need to pretend he's fine anymore. Gerard's gone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Frank Iero/Gerard Way</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In The Mourning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>lol i wrote this in two nights its bad i'm sorry. it's super edgy and angsty so be prepared. i hope you'll enjoy whatever my brain at 4 AM came up with</p><p>(TW) mentions of depression</p><p>also this in unedited i'm sorry</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was quick- that was all he remembered. The fast cars, the sirens, the blinding lights, the screams, all of it. Now that he finally woke up, it was so different, minus the blinding lights. What came with the blinding lights was unbearable pain. It hurt to sit up, to cough, to breathe even. What also hurt was to see his boyfriend crying and screaming for a nurse. Gerard still wore his iconic red hair but it looked much more faded and looked far more pale and skinny. It was such a sight, one that he wasn’t prepared for.</p><p>Gerard ran up next to him and started to hug him which only made him wince so Gerard pulled away, saying sorry over and over again. He still remained by his side, just not touching hime, all while saying, “I missed you so much, baby. You’re finally awake after all these months- I can’t believe it. The nurse is about to come in and check on you, you know? I love you so much, Frankie,” he ranted and ran a soothing hand through his hair.</p><p>There was no time to say anything back because the nurses were rushing back in and pushed Gerard out of the way. Numerous things he could’t comprehend were shouted throughout the hospital. The panic started to settle in and his breathing started to get heavier and heavier and his eyes flew to Gerard who was now gone. The nurses didn’t seem to notice him in such distress and the continued to yell the random things. He looked around once more and finally shouted, “Gee!”</p><p>That was the first thing that came out of Frank’s mouth in ten months.</p><p>-</p><p>Ten Months Ago</p><p>“What do you want for dinner, hm?” Gerard whispered soothingly into Frank’s ear, looking away from the TV and back at Frank who was half asleep from Gerard playing with his hair. When he didn’t respond, Gerard said. “Frank, wake up.” He nudged him in the side as Frank stirred.</p><p>“What is it?” Frank asked as he stirred in the sheets, his voice heavy with tiredness.</p><p>“I asked what you wanted for dinner,” Gerard repeated in hopes Frank would actually have an appetite. He had been sick lately which made him nauseous, have headaches, constant fevers, bad coughs, etc. It was probably the flu but the other endless possibilities only made the idea of it being the flu some silly joke. It wouldn’t matter for much longer though because they were going to the doctor tomorrow. Though it had only been going on for two days and would probably go away in a week, Gerard hated to see Frank in pain and he had a tendency to worry. Better safe than sorry, he kept telling himself.</p><p>“Don’t want anything,” he said, now sitting up and turned to face Gerard. Frank looked much more paler along with  red cheeks and gray under-eyes. He looked absolutely miserable and most definitely felt like it too. It didn’t take much for the mention of door to make Frank go running to the bathroom and empty the one orange he ate this morning into the toilet.</p><p>Gerard instantly followed and started to rub his back and whisper, “Shh, I got you. It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll feel much better once we figure out what’s going on with you tomorrow, yeah?” There was no answer as Frank shakily got up and downed some water from the sink. </p><p>“I feel like shit,” he sighed and sat on the edge of the bed which Gerard stood in front of, “Probably just the flu though, I haven’t got my yearly vaccine yet.” Though it was probably unintentional, those words made Gerard feel ten times better. The only thing that was stopping him from fully believing it was the flu was the fact that it was mid-summer. Sure it was possible to still get the flu during the summer but it wasn’t nearly as common as getting it in the winter.</p><p>“I know, baby,” Gerard said with a sigh.</p><p>It was surprising that Gerard was believing everything Frank was telling times. Frank wasn’t a pathological liar or anything, he just often lied about being sick to have an excuse to not get out of the bed and be lazy due to his depressive episodes. There was no need for him to lie about it because Gerard would do everything in his power to make sure he was okay and had someone to take care of him. </p><p>Having Frank as his boyfriend was hard, as terrible as it was to admit. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Frank because well, he loved him more than anything in the world. He wouldn’t have been thinking of getting engaged if he didn’t. All throughout high school, when he had met Frank, he was still a little ‘messed up’. He was diagnosed with anxiety, ODC, and well, depression all when he was fourteen. Most people had already gave up on Frank, including his own mother. It was a surprise to everyone that Gerard didn’t give up on him when his disorders got worse and worse. The doctors had no idea what caused them to progress into the terrible state they were in now and it was safe to say no one ever would. Gerard wanted to say ‘But it’s okay’ but it wasn’t nor will it ever be. </p><p>The only people that stayed in Frank’s life was Gerard and Hayley, a long time friend of theirs from high school. She had moved away from New Jersey to Tennessee  to be closer with her band members. She dropped out at sixteen when her band first started gaining fame and got signed and only escalated from there. She was reluctant to move at first but with enough reassurance that Frank was okay, she finally moved. Frank always claimed he hated to be a burden so Gerard made sure Hayley reluctant to move because of him stayed secret. </p><p>Gerard graduated high school and was now in art school, close to getting accepted for Cartoon Network. Frank graduated as well but had no plans of enrolling in college. He always said his band, who broke up because his depression took over, would make it and college was pointless but now he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Gerard always promised him that he had more than enough money to take care of them but that was far from the truth. He had to ask his grandmother for money which he of course gave to him but the guilt was too much for him. She already did so much for him and Mikey and anything else was too over-the-top. Gerard would never tell Frank this or his anxiety would become too much and so on.</p><p>He wished Frank would go to college, get a job, be able to pay bills, but there was a slim chance of him even leaving the house. He knew he couldn’t help it, but Gerard was sick of it. Working three jobs, asking his grandmother for money, then having to take care of his depressed boyfriend, was all too much for him only being twenty-two. He knew he sounded like a douche but it was hard. Hayley was the only one who knew he felt like this and admitted she felt the same way when she still lived in New Jersey. She even admitted she was glad she left. Her band was already releasing their second album and Gerard was sure that if she would have stayed, that second album wouldn’t exist.</p><p>The reason to that was while Gerard was working his secret three jobs, Hayley would come and ‘babysit’ Frank. She made sure he ate, took a shower, brushed his teeth, etc. It was quite a sad sight to witness but Gerard couldn’t trust Frank to be left on his own. He wasn’t suicidal or anything but there was always that fear with more than enough pill bottles lying around.</p><p>Frank was already back asleep and Gerard was throwing on his jacket to head to his second job. Ever since Hayley left he didn’t have anyone to watch Frank so he hoped that he would be okay even though the thoughts in the back of his head kept telling him otherwise. He planted a kiss onto Frank’s forehead and with multiple second thoughts, he finally got in his car and headed towards Subway.</p><p>-</p><p>“I just don’t know, man,” Gerard told his co-worker, Alex, and threw the dirty rag covered in bleach on the side of the large sink,  “It’s like he’s a five-year-old that I have to watch. I get so worried about leaving him alone and it’s exhausting.” </p><p>“I remember you telling me that you know he won’t kill himself,” Alex said, taking off his gloves and throwing them into the nearby trashcan. Gerard didn’t know how he could have possibly remembered him telling him that. He tells Alex a lot, mainly about Frank, and for him to keep track of it all, it was impressive. “I’m not sure how you know that, but if that’s what you really believe, then you have nothing to worry about.”</p><p>“I’m just worried he feels like I’m going to leave him,” he sighed out and made his way over to the mop where he started mopping the kitchen while Alex sat on the counter. “Hell, that’s was I’m probably gonna do,” he blurted and immediately brought a hand to his mouth while Alex’s eyes widened to the point where they looked as if they were about to pop out, “No- I didn’t mean to say that. Dude, I- “ he blubbered and he gripped the mop tighter and tighter to the point where his knuckles were whiter than him. His cheeks filled with air, making him look like a chipmunk, as his eyes drifted towards Alex.</p><p>There was nothing but silence for the longest time. The last time he checked the clock it had been 10 PM but now it was just reaching 10:50. With the amount of time that was passing, Gerard figured he might as well get back to mopping but then Alex stopped him when he said, “I was waiting for you to say this.”</p><p>And that was when it occurred to him, those thoughts about leaving Frank were there for a reason. If he wanted to have a ’normal’ life, he needed to leave Frank. God, they were such disgusting thoughts and ways to think about a depressed person who you dedicated eight years to, but he’d be damned if it wasn’t the way to go. He wished Alex would have admitted that he should leave Frank earlier but the sad truth would have been that he would go into a rampage about how wrong that it and that he couldn’t be friends with him anymore. He’s glad he isn’t the same way now. Change is good and if change is what Gerard needs, then change it will be.</p><p>“Thank you, Alex,” Gerard finally said, not even noticing he had gone back to mopping already. </p><p>Alex’s face twisted as he said, “For what?”</p><p>Gerard smiled and said, “For making me realize I need to leave Frank.”</p><p> And Alex didn’t have to say anything for him to know exactly what Gerard had meant. So as Gerard put up the mop, Alex pulled him into a hug and whispered, “Glad I could help.”</p><p>-</p><p>Gerard didn’t have time to think much through. His plan to stay with Alex until he could afford his own place which he was beyond grateful for. It was at least 4 AM when he started packing his clothes and finally finished writing the letter. He would call Hayley, explaining to him what he was going to do, and then head out into the taxi that he called up and go to Alex’s house. Sure the plan was a bit messy, but it was all he had come up with at the moment.</p><p>Alex had done an extremely gracious thing by scrapping together $5,000 to leave with Frank. It was just enough to get him by and the rest was up to him. The letter, along with the money, was sitting in an envelope on the bedside table with the words ‘To Frank’ messily scribbled on it. This was a bold move but one that he was willing to make. He knew it was selfish, so did Alex, but this was just miserable. He was surprised by the amount of the time he spent with Frank, how long it lasted. </p><p>The letter was the worst part of the whole thing. The realization that he was going to leave his depressed boyfriend of eight years. He knew he wouldn’t survive on his own. It would be a miracle if he did but miracles don’t exist which is why he was leaving Frank in the first place. There was no chance of him getting better; he refused going to therapy, taking his pills, anything that would help him. He was doing this to himself and there was no way of stopping it. </p><p>Frank started to stir a tiny bit but Gerard calmed him down, whispering things like “Shh, go back to bed. It’s okay, it’s all okay,” and then the last thing he would ever say to him, “I love you, Frankie.” And by god, that was the most painful thing for him to ever experience. That was when he got his bags together, looked at Frank and letter one last time, before leaving for good. </p><p>-</p><p>It was 2 PM when Frank woke up. He quickly noticed Gerard wasn’t in his normal spot. That was all it took for him to start panicking. He sprung up and ran into the bathroom, hoping that’s where he was but to no surprise, no one was there. The only thing remaining was one toothbrush, Frank’s. Gerard’s toothbrush was now gone, along with his deodorant and hairbrush. </p><p>Frank didn’t bother checking the rest of the house and walked back into the empty bedroom. That was when he noticed the letter. The letter would tell him everything, he told himself, the letter would tell him that his boyfriend of eight years left for a perfectly logical reason, such as a business trip. Deep down he knew those were all lies and he left because he was sick of Frank being too much of a burden. He knew this would happen but never prepared himself for the inevitable. </p><p>Hesitantly, he reached over and grabbed the envelope with Gerard’s messy handwriting scrawled on that read ‘To Frank’. He was shocked by the amount of cash it contained. It was sad he had to provide him with money because he wasn’t able to get himself a damn job. The whole situation was sad, but nothing sadder than the realization that Gerard was gone for good.</p><p>With shaky hands, he pulled out the letter, unfolding in carefully. He closed his eyes, not prepared to read what awaited. Maybe it was better if he didn’t read and just took the money and ran, far away. Oh the powers of fantasies. </p><p>Before he had a chance to realize what he was doing, Frank opened his eyes and started reading the letter.</p><p>Dear Frank,</p><p> </p><p>You may have noticed that I’m not here with you this morning. You’re blaming yourself, I know. It’s all true, about whatever you’re thinking. Don’t take it personally because I still love you but sometimes you need a bit of change and here it is: Change. I’m not expecting you to go along with it right away because change takes time. It’ll be the same thing for me, it just might take more time for you.</p><p>I know you can’t help it. I know you feel like a burden. I know you feel like no one loves you. But that’s okay. Everyone feels that way, some longer for others, but Frank, I want you to know I love you. It might be hard to accept and I get that, but please know that you are loved. You are cherished with every cell in my body. </p><p>I left for a reason and that was to live my own life. I couldn’t do it anymore, Frankie. It was hard. I didn’t think over it much and I’m sure I’ll regret it but I’m never coming back. It’s time we go both ways. Hayley will still keep in contact with you, she told me. </p><p>A co-worker of mine was kind enough to supply you with $5,000. It’s not much at all but I hope it’s enough to get you by. Looking for help should be the best way to go. Whether you like it or not, you need serious help. Please find some. I’m so worried but there’s nothing for me to help you with. Take your pills, find a therapist, perhaps even start playing guitar again. </p><p>It’s a short letter but this is the end. I love you, Frank, and I never stopped. I’ll always love you, okay? Change is for the best. It takes time to adjust but you’ll get there eventually, just like I did.</p><p>Love,<br/>
Gerard xo</p><p>And that was the moment Frank broke down. The tears didn’t stop the entire two hours while his phone rang. The tears didn’t stop the entire time he clutched the letter while tear stains spread the black ink. The tears didn’t stop and they never will. If only he prepared himself for the inevitable then this wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t be the broken mess he was right now. </p><p>He only blamed himself. Even Gerard admitted it was al his fault. The words ‘Everything you’re thinking is true’ will forever stick with him, just like the tears. He let himself become this. It was his own fault, of course it was. </p><p>When he finally answered the phone, the tears didn’t stop. He realized it was Hayley the moment the words ‘I know you’re not okay’ slipped from her mouth and he cried harder than ever before. He didn’t think it was possible to cry so hard but here he was, proving his own self wrong. That was surely a change.</p><p>‘It’s a-a-a-all m-my fa-fault,” he sputtered while clutching the letter tighter to his tear stained chest, “I m-made h-him leave. I’m so f-fucking p-p-pathetic.” </p><p>The sobs rang harder through the phone as Hayley kept telling him that it wasn’t true even though they both knew she was lying. It wasn’t hard to tell. Soon he became tired of her repeating the same lies over and over  and hung up and went to the bathroom and grabbed the sleeping pills, note still in hand, and poured a tab bit too much into his hand, “Just enough to make me sleep for a while,” he told himself while shakily emptying them into his mouth.</p><p>He staggered towards the bed, everything fading in and out. His phone ringing, the sounds of the fan, the sounds of the TV playing some stupid sitcom. Going to sleep would stop the tears, take away the sadness for just a little while.</p><p>. . . Just a little while.</p><p>-</p><p>Present Day</p><p>“What happened?” Was the cliché question he asked when Hayley came into view. She looked tired, her orange hair tied up into a bun while her sweatpants hung too low and her hoodie fit her quite nicely.</p><p>Gerard wasn’t who he saw, it turned out. It was a hallucination. It was strange but Hayley was here so it was all okay. Well, for the most part not including that Gerard was still gone and had left him fro good.</p><p>“Well, when you hung up, I got worried and called the police where they came over an checked on you. You were asleep and wouldn’t respond so they assumed you overdosed.” Those words made him shudder and Hayley must have noticed because she chuckled and contained to play with his hair.</p><p>“As I was saying, the hospital called me and I tried my best to get down here as soon as possible. They medically induced you in coma because they assumed you were suicidal. I’m not sure their reasoning. Anyway, it was only supposed to be for about a month but it backfired and you were in coma for ten months. And no, Gerard never came back.”</p><p>She said the last part all too casually like it was an everyday thing to say, like it didn’t hurt him at all. He wasn’t going to blame her though, he was still blaming himself.</p><p>“So uh, what happens now?” Frank asked and stared up at Hayley.</p><p>“I can’t stay,” she said, craning her head to get a good look at the nurses, “They’re keeping you here until they thinks it’s safe for you to go home. I left with you with some money, it’s back at your house. Uh, your hospital bill is covered too,” she said too awkwardly. “I gotta get going before I miss my flight. See you around, yeah?”</p><p>Hayley was already heading out the door before he had a chance to respond. He was all alone in this hospital room, no boyfriend, no friends. Again, the inevitable. This time he didn’t bother crying. He’ll get used to the change, just like the letter said, it just might take a while. </p><p>But it was fine, he had the time. Just like the time Gerard had to leave him.</p>
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